Stress and it's Effects..........

Is it normal with CFS to somewhat lose your ability to deal with stress? I have always had some "anxiety" issues, but lately I just seem uncapable of handling it. There has been alot of "drama" at work this week, and I literally can feel it mentally and physically.

It's too much, I come home feeling beat up physically and emotionally. In fact, my husband actually thought I was feeling better on Tuesday evening when I came home, but it was just the high stress that looked like energy from the outside.

While, I realize this is another sign that it is time to step away for a bit, I just want to make sure that I'm also not going a bit crazy.

Thanks and More Signs

Thanks so much for your comments and sharing your experiences related to my last post.

I do think "giving up" is the wrong term, I think my frustration and having to deal with my own feelings surrounding this led me that term initially but now I do know that it's not giving up, it's simply accepting the reality of the situation.

I do hope to be able to return to work, but don't know how or when and for the moment just have to take it day by day.

Meanwhile, on Tuesday at work I completely screwed up the billing, transposed multiple numbers, missed pieces that needed to be billed, it's the worst job I've ever done at it. My main supervisor literally has a million post it notes all over. I was honest and showed him how I had picked up incorrect numbers and transposed others, no use in hiding it any longer. This is not acceptable and just another sign.

I'm nervous but also somewhat at peace, it's an odd feeling, like I don't have to pretend any longer and worry that I'm going to get caught. I am doing the best I can for the moment and I realize I'm doing my job a disservice now as well.

Another View?

Lee Lee made an interesting comment on my post yesterday about driving. That if I feel like it's time to step away from work, then that has to be my decision. I guess this whole time, I have thought that a doctor would always have to say "you have no business working" or something equally as dramatic. But he's right (as usual), I am the only way in this body and I do feel like I am DONE. It's so hard to have to realize that, accept it, and now I also realize I need to communicate that more effecticely - especially to my doctor and husband.

I was woken this morning (on my day off / mid-week "break") by my "big" boss on my cell phone chanting off a zillion things - and my brain was literally screaming you can't do this anymore.

I went to bed last night, feeling a bit better and thought I would clean out the small fish tank today.....ha-ha - woke up by this phone call and immediately CFS was there mocking me, asking how silly could I have been for thinking I was going to get that done today, because it's BACK and only went away long enough to let me think I was going to take on a little project today.

We don't give up right? We are the exact type of people who would be the first ones back in the office after the flu, that the sniffles would have never kept away, heck at one point I was working and running a side business - give up? You have to be kidding. Suddenly, I realize that sometimes you just do have to give up and accept.

I feel like I'm giving up, thowing in the towel so to speak. However, it's different than I would have ever imagined. It's not a dread (because of a bad job situation), it's not the same at all, it's your body literally screaming and knowing if you continue to push it you are going to pay even more dearly, and lose even more than you already have.

So yeah, I think I'm done.

My own Mother had to point out to me how ridiculous it was to even think that I could get up an hour earlier - 4 days a week - to ride in with my son. That I was definately going above and beyond to try and continue working and I just had to stop fighting it. (Now, my husband is still another story but that will just have to sort out somehow).

My next appt. is Monday, I just have to find the strength to be able to say that out loud. I need a break, and my body has to dictate for how long. It's a hard fact to swallow.

To Drive or Not To Drive.............

So without disclosing TOO much personal info, my adult son works VERY close to where I do and has offered to let me carpool with him. However, he begins work an hour earlier and I absolutely could not EVER make him late. I did clear with the "big" boss about modifying my work schedule to match his but have not so far discussed with my immediate supervisors (where the most resistance will come from).

Last night, I was sure I was going to talk to them today and put it into action, but by this morning I'm so frustrated I want to cry and honestly don't know what to do.....why? I overslept this morning, it was almost impossible to get up when I did and I honestly can't imagine having to get up 4 days per week an hour earlier. I just don't know that I can do it. Plus, again a piece of my independence is leaving me...........I just don't know what to do.

Maybe I should just wait until this next doctor's appt. I have had several rather eye opening moments where I KNOW I shouldn't be driving in the mornings, this is why I'm so frustrated!

I am at a loss at the moment to be honest...............

Crashing and Riding the Ride

Well, I did in fact crash on Friday - hard. As soon as I got home (after leaving work 4 hours early), I hit the bed, which is exactly where my husband found me still at 7:30 p.m. I did nothing all weekend, and yes, foolishly am back at work today.

I'm confused by a phone call from my doc on Sunday. He has now decided to hold off on the neuro consult to see if the leg reflexes/weakness resolve within 2 weeks of my last exam. He also wants me try one more alerting agent (Rytalin sp?) - even though I've already tried Adderall (caused alarming anxiety), and Nuvagil (caused me to break out in a mysterious rash). The only good news out of the call is that he is going to let me try B-12 injections. I am scheduled to see him again next Monday and we go from there. I thought I was going for the neuro consult not ONLY for the leg issues, but to also document the IQ drop, speech difficulities, uncoordination etc for disability. He wanted me to bring my husband to this appointment - but of course he is too "busy" at work, so I will be bring my adult daughter instead.

The funniest part of the conversation is when he asked me what time would be best for me to come in because he is seriously concerned about my driving........how in the heck does he think I'm getting to work?!?

I just hope that we aren't moving backwards, I'm trying to have some faith that he is covering all bases, but I really think it's justified that I go for a neuro consult.

Oh, my Lyme screening was negative - no surprise to me, but closed that door with my husband which was good.

So, how am I supposed to get to work, if I can't drive. How am I supposed to stop working if we continue to wait and see?

TGIF

Thank God it's Friday............I am at work (unfortunately), headed for a big time crash I'm afraid. I had to be here this morning because of a very important meeting - otherwise, even with my direct supervisor and office mate out - I would have called in. I'm getting out of here asap.

I thought I was fine at first this morning and then WHAM it hit! I have a screaming headache, and am barely able to stand upright. I WILL be headed home as soon as possible.

I hope everyone has a restful weekend, I know I will.

Crash and Burn

I slept until 1pm yesterday.........and was barely functional the remainder of the day. The mid-week crash hit. I was hoping for a quiet day at work today, but no such luck so far. I'm already exhausted and have only been here about 2 hours. I have so much to get done at work, did not plan on having bosses in today, and am having a minor freak-out. It's so hard to shut up that type A personality, it's a constant battle still I'm afraid.

This is another reason why I know it's better for me (healthwise) to exit before much longer, I can't handle my own expectations.

I have not heard about the neuro consult, but am trying to sneak out of here today, long enough to go have the Lyme screening done. Perhaps, I can squeeze it in with some work-related errands. (Which will certainly not help with my fatigue level today I'm sure).

Tomorrow, is going to be another VERY busy day at work, so I'm trying to just remember to breathe and realize I can only do as much as I can do, so many hard lessons to learn.

I'm working through reading a book: "50 Things You Should Know About The Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" by Neenyah Ostrom. This book was printed in 1992. The saddest thing......it's the same information we have now. I'm dismayed. Is it really possible that we are no further than we were 18 years ago???