Lee Lee made an interesting comment on my post yesterday about driving. That if I feel like it's time to step away from work, then that has to be my decision. I guess this whole time, I have thought that a doctor would always have to say "you have no business working" or something equally as dramatic. But he's right (as usual), I am the only way in this body and I do feel like I am DONE. It's so hard to have to realize that, accept it, and now I also realize I need to communicate that more effecticely - especially to my doctor and husband.
I was woken this morning (on my day off / mid-week "break") by my "big" boss on my cell phone chanting off a zillion things - and my brain was literally screaming you can't do this anymore.
I went to bed last night, feeling a bit better and thought I would clean out the small fish tank today.....ha-ha - woke up by this phone call and immediately CFS was there mocking me, asking how silly could I have been for thinking I was going to get that done today, because it's BACK and only went away long enough to let me think I was going to take on a little project today.
We don't give up right? We are the exact type of people who would be the first ones back in the office after the flu, that the sniffles would have never kept away, heck at one point I was working and running a side business - give up? You have to be kidding. Suddenly, I realize that sometimes you just do have to give up and accept.
I feel like I'm giving up, thowing in the towel so to speak. However, it's different than I would have ever imagined. It's not a dread (because of a bad job situation), it's not the same at all, it's your body literally screaming and knowing if you continue to push it you are going to pay even more dearly, and lose even more than you already have.
So yeah, I think I'm done.
My own Mother had to point out to me how ridiculous it was to even think that I could get up an hour earlier - 4 days a week - to ride in with my son. That I was definately going above and beyond to try and continue working and I just had to stop fighting it. (Now, my husband is still another story but that will just have to sort out somehow).
My next appt. is Monday, I just have to find the strength to be able to say that out loud. I need a break, and my body has to dictate for how long. It's a hard fact to swallow.
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I remember the exact moment that I finally 'got it'. I was like you, waiting for someone else to say 'ok it's time to stop work and we will take care of you' ... but it didn't happen. I felt just dreadful one morning and I drove to work and I had to take some photos for a project so I was standing up, I could feel the room starting to move from under my feet and I was wobbling like I was drunk. My boss was standing right there and said 'are you ok?' and I finally realised that no, I wasn't ok. That was the moment my old life ended and my new one began!
ReplyDeleteDawn you mentioned something like 'time to give up', I choose not to looik at is as giving up but rather being smart enough to realise when it's time for a change. It's like everything else in life, it's all very fluid even though we try to make things rigid and routine, things change all the time and change is actually good .... and belive me if your body says it's time to stop working then IT'S A GOOD THING not a bad thng!!
I agree with Lee Lee - the more we push beyond our means, the harder the fall. I pushed until I completely collapsed. It's just not worth it.
ReplyDeleteI know this is a journey with many bends and twists but if we will just stay flexible and adapt as needed, it is possible to finish this race with grace and pride!
Yep right with them .... it's good you have come to this realization but we all come to it in our own time. I remember the last day too: had spent all morning working with people with Alzheimers on an art project and feeling SO ill. I got to lunchtime and my thought processes were so out of whack I thought 'these people I'm working with have more sense than me at the moment' I knew it was time to stop. God only knows how I drove 35 miles home but I did and that was it.
ReplyDeleteListen to your body [and listen to your Mum ;o)]