Lee Lee made an interesting comment on my post yesterday about driving. That if I feel like it's time to step away from work, then that has to be my decision. I guess this whole time, I have thought that a doctor would always have to say "you have no business working" or something equally as dramatic. But he's right (as usual), I am the only way in this body and I do feel like I am DONE. It's so hard to have to realize that, accept it, and now I also realize I need to communicate that more effecticely - especially to my doctor and husband.
I was woken this morning (on my day off / mid-week "break") by my "big" boss on my cell phone chanting off a zillion things - and my brain was literally screaming you can't do this anymore.
I went to bed last night, feeling a bit better and thought I would clean out the small fish tank today.....ha-ha - woke up by this phone call and immediately CFS was there mocking me, asking how silly could I have been for thinking I was going to get that done today, because it's BACK and only went away long enough to let me think I was going to take on a little project today.
We don't give up right? We are the exact type of people who would be the first ones back in the office after the flu, that the sniffles would have never kept away, heck at one point I was working and running a side business - give up? You have to be kidding. Suddenly, I realize that sometimes you just do have to give up and accept.
I feel like I'm giving up, thowing in the towel so to speak. However, it's different than I would have ever imagined. It's not a dread (because of a bad job situation), it's not the same at all, it's your body literally screaming and knowing if you continue to push it you are going to pay even more dearly, and lose even more than you already have.
So yeah, I think I'm done.
My own Mother had to point out to me how ridiculous it was to even think that I could get up an hour earlier - 4 days a week - to ride in with my son. That I was definately going above and beyond to try and continue working and I just had to stop fighting it. (Now, my husband is still another story but that will just have to sort out somehow).
My next appt. is Monday, I just have to find the strength to be able to say that out loud. I need a break, and my body has to dictate for how long. It's a hard fact to swallow.