Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Schedule

So I made one mistake with this new schedule. Somehow (brain fog maybe) I didn't realize this means I have to work almost 9 hours on the days I'm here. Not smart - but it's done for now. I figure I won't be asking for much more, until I go out for a break anyway.

Have not called my specialist yet, he just got back in the country on Monday, so I'm trying to give him a few days to catch up. I will try to call him either tomorrow or Thursday. I'm a bit afraid to be honest, that he's going to sign me out immediately. Why can I just not accept it? Why do I continue to fight what I know my body needs? Why do I continue to deny what I know is going to happen? Why do I have to be so frigging AFRAID that my std carrier will deny my claim?

I know I need the rest, there is no doubt about that. What if I don't get better though? I know these are all questions we all have to face, I'm sure most of you went through this, and now on the other side are just shaking your head at me, telling me it's for the BEST. Trust me - I am listening.


  1. Well you don't need me to say it :O) It is fear that's holding you bcak...accepting that you've reached a defining moment. It may be that you do get better. You acn't get much worse than you are at the moment..especially with the stress of trying to stay at work. Give yourself a break and let go (*)

  2. Cusp-
    Yes fear is holding me back, your right. I do realize that the stress of trying to stay at work is a high contributor to my symptoms continuing to increase and my overall health to go downhill.
    Stupid fear :-) --- I never did do well with the "unknown".

  3. No, my dear, it's not stupid fear. It's very understandable fear and who feels safe and comfortable in a strange land where you don't know the landscape, language or climate. You're doing well...trudging along up a steep learning curve. Be kind to yourself (*)

  4. Fear can take over every aspect of who you are. The bad thing about packing in your job is obvious but the really positive thing about it is that once it has happened it will be over and done with and you will be able to let go of the fear and just get on with dealing with the illness. In terms of stress you will feel sooooo much better, well I did anyway.